I owe my journal days of feed

If I think about journaling as feeding my journal it's kind of funny. But then it's also kind of sad because it makes me a neglectful parent for the past couple of days.

I have been super sleepy lately. And super unmotivated. I find that when I'm overwhelmed I sort of just shut down and don't do anything. I just want to be warm and cozy and safe. I often sleep a lot when I get in this mood. I think my freeze response is taking over. I wish I knew more reliable ways to shake myself out of that. There's the wiggling toes trick to wake up in the morning. Then there's pomodoro method. Just get a little something done. Then there's doing difficult work from the cozy safety of my bed. But despite all of these tools I still struggle.

I saw a clip of a youtube interview of a woman who has bipolar disorder yesterday. She started crying when she told the camera person that one of her dreams in life is to hold a stable job, but her condition makes that very hard. It made me feel so sad for her, and it also made me feel very undeserving.

I also feel like my executive dysfunction prevents me from doing well at my jobs sometimes. And this job is awesome because that doesn't matter. I really only have to work a teeny tiny bit every day. So long as I'm checking the boxes and whatnot everything will be fine. But what did I do to deserve that luxury? I feel like I got lucky but I never really put in the effort to become a disciplined person. I once was one, in like high school. But never as an adult.

Every now and then I get glimpses of what a disciplined life would look like, and it's incredible. But inevitably something cool distracts me or makes me obsessed for a brief period, and all of my systems and routines fall apart. Then I'm back to this stage of trying to reset.

I'm always trying to reset.

God, we're only 10 days into the year. That's a bit depressing.

BUT on a positive note, I do think I've accomplished a few awesome things so far. I've done duolingo every day. I started tamil classes again. I have been making art more consistently. Not every day, but more quality pages in my sketchbook. More fears of public drawing overcome.

That makes me happy. I think I will continue because I can.